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Notes of Life
2007-03-15

I have come to the distinct conclusion that as soon as I get close to finding who I am that I will always loose myself quickly afterwards.

I discovered love again, and in that moment,
from the pain that tore my heart asunder,
there came a great peace within my mind.

Yet, now nothing feels as good as it should.
Everything that is me and that is around me feels numb.
And so these tears stream down my face.
I thought I had found a place to express who I really am,
but that place does not seem to exist.

I thought I had found happiness with another,
but it was only a dream. They left because I am small,
because I look young, because I do not have the heart,
the confidence within myself to be the one that reigns smiles.
The booze was gone, and yet, my heart stood at nothing,
and I felt nothing, and life is nothing in this moment, in this time.

I know she is there, somewhere in my heart.
I see her eyes in the eyes of others, but they are not her.
The only comfort I find is within me.
Somewhere in me there is this great upwelling of emotion,
and although right now it feels as if life may never again be beautiful,
there is this light that causes me to hope for a better day.

Who am I to be judged by others?
Who am I to be a person that basis my life around the words and actions of those around me?
I need to only be me.
I need to only live life the way that it was gifted to me,
and to use my talents to help the others that don’t know that they truly are unique,
that they have a purpose, and that one day;
when the sun sets below the horizon,
and the moon rises bright and full, that I will have lived,
while they have only died in life.

James O. Stewart